8 - camille
The unexpected is always upon us, and of all the gifts arrayed before me, this one thought at this moment in my life is the most precious, and so I begin again.
—Feast of Love (Baxter/Burnett/Benton)
~~~
With what unassailable bravado and fearlessness I continued to write notes to Camille. The last time I strolled into the Infusion Center (am now in clinical trial follow up), I see her sitting at her computer/station, without a patient, and we make eye contact, and we smile, I wave that half wave of, “Hey,” as if nothing has passed between us; and I get to my “Fast Track” chair, another nurse preps my chest, plugs into my AngioDynamics Smart Port, the blood is drawn, the next draw scheduled, parking ticket stamped, and...
I strolled out wanting to turn on my heel, walk up to her and say, “Please, just coffee, that’s all I’m asking.” Of course she knows that’s not all I’m asking. She knows. I know. We’re in that moment; everyone knows it. You either seize on what you both felt in that first meeting, or you don’t. You can’t put your finger on it, don’t have words for it, you just know. What happens, happens, right? How many times in your life have these moments come along? If all are honest; more than once. And this is where one’s vows are at play, where we acknowledge what we’ve committed to, where we make choices and take responsibility, where we live honestly and truthfully or where the subterfuge begins.
I was with Maya for 18 years and I “fell in love” more than once in that time. And it was while loving Maya that I came to understand that we have to remain open to these moments, have to live by and for them, this the attraction to and engagement with others. Life tests us. Either you live truthfully and admit these things or you don’t. I used to dog her, tell her so and so’s hitting on you, and she’d say no, not at all. And I’d just smile. She couldn’t admit to it, acknowledge the undermining and unsettling effects. But you know it if you’re honest. You can see it in others. There’s that glow of excitement and attentiveness, it’s the experience that takes you off the rails, reminds you you’re alive outside the habits and routines of the daily round. It gives you juice and is energizing, makes it all worthwhile, how interesting, how engaging, how grand. To be open to the mystery, breadth and depth of others.
Of course this is where we honor our commitments; and this is where relationships end, where we can easily move on with another, lie and cheat, without having to face up to and manage what’s wrong.
Am playing the fool again. Trying to repeat what I had with Maya, to make a relationship real in words before making it real in life. So pathetic I am. I’m surprised Camille hasn’t called a halt to it or had me escorted out. “You Good Sir have overstayed your welcome. No more infusions, blood draws or how do you dos. Get thee to another Cancer Center, you’re a nuisance.” But she hasn’t said a word. And when I see her it’s a half smile, a Buddha smile, knowing and taking pleasure. She knows I’m head over heels. She knows.
I am not unself-aware, even more pathetic….
Postscript
Stop the presses. Was just checking email. She sent a message asking to meet. We’re on for a drink! Not coffee, a DRINK. Weak in the knees I am, giddy.
She’s not having the best of days. She wants to shake things up. Take a chance. I sent her a quick reply, short and sweet. I am up for it. Told her I’d meet her at the Sunset Bar in Coronado. Told her I’d understand if she changed her mind, if she didn’t show. I’m not the one in relationship, not the one stepping out.
I figured this fascination with her would go to sleep in my mind, become a proper figment, a fond memory; that it was too soon after Maya, too unimaginable, too... this is all so….
Tuesday, June 22, 2010 at 8:19PM 
Reader Comments (3)
Hope is eternal...never let it go. Without hope all our plans are nil. Some say 'live in the moment' but I also think dreaming and hoping for a better future is the balance to all the 'being present'. Dream on...with hope.
...and? Did you meet? Don't keep us hanging too long!
WOW!