63 - to the last, the very last

That is no country for old men. The young
In one another's arms, birds in the trees
—Those dying generations—at their song,
The salmon-falls, the mackerel-crowded seas,
Fish, flesh, or fowl, commend all summer long
Whatever is begotten, born, and dies.
Caught in that sensual music all neglect
Monuments of unageing intellect.

An aged man is but a paltry thing,
A tattered coat upon a stick, unless
Soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing…

      —Sailing to Byzantium, William Butler Yeats

~~~

Sailing to Byzantium so not an option, my "my soul clap its hands and sing,…" louder and louder I am, declaring, no paltry thing, but animated and vivified, until the last, the very last, only then will my youth take sail.

I had never imagined or fully appreciated how easy it is to step off, to find your own way, your own words, to keep company with those, in spirit, who encourage, live by and show the way to resistance and refusal. All the artists in your life, close in and from afar, folks who are unafraid to be different, who often seem not to notice or concern themselves with this difference, folks not judging or comparing, but simply being, folks who’ve learned to trust what happens, what evolves and emerges, who both act and react freely and genuinely, only as the spirit moves, and it’s not just the musicians, composers, filmmakers, poets, writers, painters, photographers, actors and actresses out in the world who delight, enlighten, inspire and provoke, I’m also referring to those close in, the “artists in life” who have through their commitment and passion, their devotion and dedication to their trades, professions and politics, their ways of living, model for us how to be attentive, kind and loving, so many to learn from, if only to observe and see clearly all who’re showing the way.

Do you get that authenticity isn’t necessarily something you develop or work on, that there’s simply a moment, early or along the way, even late in life, when you understand what it is? It’s then you begin to see, through a crystallizing self-awareness, when you’re not being honest or real,… then authenticity comes clear, you don’t have to try, you simply are, you understand, and it feels good, makes you at ease and free-feeling, even in the worst and most difficult moments, in angry retort, in stern admonition, in humbling failure, and the flipside, in loving affirmation, in playful mischievousness, in praising success, no matter the situation or circumstance, riding high or in swirling depression and everything in between, you become aware that you’re never not honest, not real, not yourself. Authenticity bathes all of what we undergo in simple acceptance. To be authentic, to be true and genuine, is to be straightforward and direct, to never shy away from engaging others forthrightly, to never shy away from expressing yourself: in word and deed, in the day to day.

~~~

So I was sitting across from Camille, an early dinner midweek at one of our little hideouts, Café Secret, and we’re on the patio, sipping and savoring, talking about the variety of jobs we’ve had in our lives, she over three decades on the planet, me over five, and it’s clear now the next one she takes will be the primary one that supersedes all others, take her into her fourth decade, a physician to be, the incarnations over the 10 or so years of training: intern, resident, fellow, internist, practitioner in primary care, and we get around to her age, how her adventure as young as she is, still seen as off-template, to begin medical school in your thirties atypical, late-coming, and she says to me, “You seem ageless,” and I laugh, so so laughable, she’s close in, she has seen my aging and damaged body, she sees clearly the quite ordinary life I’ve lived, that she can say it with a straight face speaks to her love, her understanding that everything we do, what we think and imagine, contributes to how we age, that it’s about the animating spirit, and yes, at some point I made up my mind I’d be adventitious, that I’d take a particular approach known as the path of least resistance, nothing I’ve done can be understood within the cultural context, either out of ambition or a lack thereof, or envy, or comparison and competition, I just learned to trust, and I make a crack, “Well, I’m certainly not retiring,” which is to say I have not played the part tradition laid out for me in the construct for stages-of-life living, the treadmill familial/communal, that this life is always sequential and linear, that you grow up, you mature, you produce/reproduce/succeed (or fail), you get tired, you retire, you die.

Full-on!, we’re all going to die, no getting around it, but everything leading up to it, every dang thing, is up for creative action and interpretation, and if I’m not seeing and creating all of it in my own way, if I’m worried about what others think, if I’m worried about their approval, or praise, or support, then I don’t get to this moment, sitting in a café across from Camille Durand, enjoying the company of someone I love; I don’t get to a place where the work I do has meaning, has a positive impact on others and the community I’m a part of; I don’t survive in an upbeat and spirited way the last moment where the diagnosis/prognosis can take a turn for the worse.

To the last, the very last, I will tap into what it means to be juiced and jazzed, young and fearless. And when it comes to the given constructs and chronologies, the hand-me-down beliefs of others, the fixed measures for living, doing and dying, well, they don’t amount to a hill of beans. We need to buck up and create our own way, we need to pay attention to writers like Michelle Dean (read her on The Awl and The Rumpus) when she confronts her own doubt about where she is in the chronology. She pauses, takes the time, and with research and facts, finds encouragement: A Saturday Rumpus Index For the Conspicuously Old.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, it is never too late. As the spirit moves, brothers and sisters, as the spirit moves. All you need to do is listen, to be at ease about who you are and what you do. ♥